7 December 2001, 12:08am IST
MARGUERITE THEOPHI.
Seven women sat in a circle for some difficult and complex planning sessions ahead. all strong leaders in their different countries and communities — some of which were at ‘war’ with each other, all bringing divergent perspectives, all determined to be heard, yet willing to trust each others’ intentions for peace and reconciliation. the woman facilitating the session lit a candle. we ritually remembered all those, who were not physically here yet with us on this journey, as well as the elders who had gone on, and the future generations that had to be part of our planning. and then, did we start the planning? no. we did not. we shared our personal stories of war, of violence and biases, our stories of being victims and sometimes oppressors — individually or in communities of belonging. by now half the morning was over; so, did we go on to begin the ‘real work’ of planning? no, and yes. in fact, we had begun the real work even as we sat in meditative silence at the beginning, a silence that energised the words to come. many words. as many words of pain as healing words; all supported and listened to in the shadow of that healing initial silence. this did not make the pain any less real for us; the anger did not vanish. yet we felt heard, felt understood, even through all this. most of all we felt hope. and this hope and silence informed and coloured our planning and negotiating and arguing and agreeing. we concluded with a plan — that was easier to agree with because the various aspects, differences, challenges were heard in a ‘space or field’ which deliberately fostered this to happen. this is one of the ‘new’ and evolving ways the world and its people need to look at living in peace. recently, i encountered another such ‘way’ which could help a person live in peace. i had received a gift — a book written by dr marshall rosenberg, non-violent communication, which is about — using the term non-violence as gandhi used it — ‘to refer to our natural state of compassion when violence has subsided from the heart’. the steps in the methods explained in the book are like those of a ladder. you climb up to clarity, or perhaps climb down into deepened understanding. most of us in the east, including women, prefer the ‘steps’ of the dance. but just try dancing with a ladder. it can be done, but not by everyone. yet, i found that dr rosenberg eventually teaches us to do just that. dance with, or up and down the ladder. difficult but not impossible. the ladder extends the dance, the dance breathes life into the ladder. the premise of rosenberg is that compassion is a basic human state and that the specific process we use in communicating can make all the difference in how our message is received. an approach that can be effectively applied at all levels of communication and in diverse situations from self-talk to international politics. his model includes — observing, without judgment, actions that effect our well-being; stating our feelings as we observe the action; getting in touch with and speaking out what needs, values, desires are connected to the feelings and requesting the concrete actions we would like. the process reminds us about what we already know about relating to each other. what is very practical and useful is that it does not stop here, but shows us how to live in a way that concretely manifests this knowledge. the book has examples ranging from dealing with racists in america to surviving attacks in palestine. then, for me, these parts were the ‘dance’ parts: that rosenberg sees the roots of conflict and violence in the world and in our relationships as embedded in language. he explores the relationship between power and knowledge — and language as ‘violence promoter’. if we claim to work for peace, we need to have a heightened consciousness of the power of our words to wound or to heal, and learn a way of speaking and listening to ourselves, and to each other, in a manner that embodies respect and even love. this work has many features like compliments and apologies also operate in a system of oppression; that rewards are as harmful as punishment; that, as violence goes, killing is the easy way out; that there is a major distinction between ‘punitive’ and ‘protective’ force. another ‘dance feature’ is that this technique can be learnt and used as a bridge to go beyond technique. a challenging question for all of us today is: ‘‘what leads us to behave violently and exploitatively?’’ we need to think and act. the ladder is provided, the dancing is our decision.
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