19 November 2001, 12:08am IST
Nina Sood.
Most people find it very difficult to handle death. i do not just refer to the actual passing away of a loved one, but to possess the ability to discuss death as a subject philosophically, deliberate on it, share thoughts, feelings, vocalise questions on various aspects — rebirth, reincarnation and so forth and just simply ponder on it. it is not a depressing subject as some seem to feel and avoid it as though it was something undesirable, but it is a matter to think about, read about and talk about. after all, it is so real and eventually it will encompass all of us at various stages in our lives and with a war going on right next door in afghanistan, it is all the more a reality. often, when i am in a pensive mood i find the lack of knowledge revolving around death confuses and bewilders me as i have the powerful desire to seek and gain information on a subject of which we know so little. it was a few days ago that i met a well-meaning friend, who unfortunately voiced thoughtlessly, ‘‘are you over it now?’’ she was referring to my husband’s death a few months earlier. the words although meant to be kind — were probably unconsciously substituting the question for, ‘‘how are you?... you look better’’. however, the question spoken in good faith plunged me into a tunnel of thoughts which i knew i had to deal with firmly in order to crawl out of the darkness and back into the sunshine. in writing or expressing fears and agitation, the mind is cleansed and helps the cobwebs and confusion to clear. no matter how painful a loss is, life continues, the river keeps flowing, the birds continue singing. nature remains constant and balanced, which fortunately helps us maintain our equilibrium while we temporarily lose our way. life demands and presumes that tragedy will eventually be accepted with grace and we shall continue with our lives and duties with a smile, suppressing suffering and personal loss. there is although a good deal of travelling to be accomplished on a rough and rocky path on which one often stumbles and can fall, we have to pick ourselves up and force ourselves to continue. the journey is similar to a rugged mountainous climb where we struggle to reach the top of the pinnacle which often remains elusive in fog and storm. but, eventually after the self- imposed torture and torment, we reach the end of the path or come in sight of the mountain top. some of the rough edges of the pain are smoothened while the emotions and the agony must change their form and eventually remain deep within the privacy of one’s soul. a wall is erected through effort and determination not to seek sympathy, which in any case should be a temporary solace provided by friends and relations in the early stages of loss. but of one thing i am completely and totally convinced — that it is not possible to forget or ‘get over it’ or place one’s relationship of a loved one into oblivion. and, in any case, why should one forget? it is not overcome as though it were an attack of influenza. we do not obliterate the moments of joy and happiness for memory, the experiences of a lifetime shared together and there is no reason why the emotions of sorrow should be pushed into a bottomless well. changes take place unconsciously within us as we travel the journey of life — they have to. acceptance comes and there is no other alternative, but to pick up the threads and continue the journey of life. i cannot revert to what i was. what made me happy yesterday might not please me today. what caused me regret yesterday might have a different reaction today. if changes did not take place, how would we mature? both joys and sorrow go hand in hand. it is these experiences of life which arouse a turbulent storm of sensitive passions which motivates us to a greater maturity, by which we evolve into a total person with varying facets to our personality. all of us unfortunately have to suffer at some point in our lives and it is through suffering, no matter how painful, that we gain greater insight into our lives while cultivating the vital emotion of compassion. in the very tragic september disaster, so many lost their lives uselessly leaving behind sorrowing families to mourn and attempt to come to terms with their loss. the futility continues with innocent people losing their lives as a result of war. can they forget or ‘get over it?’ i refuse to put aside the loss casually. it is there. it did take place. i accept it and continue cheerfully, but it will always remain with me.
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